I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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