Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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