dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
