Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
