Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
