I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
