You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize