I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
