The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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