I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
