I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
