the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
