She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
