Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
