he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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