Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
