at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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