Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
