If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he had hair everywhere except his balls
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
