I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
