Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
