i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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