Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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