i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
