Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
