Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
