I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
