It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
