Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize