I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
