Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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