Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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