not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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