Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
