Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
