Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
