I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
