When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
