The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize