I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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