please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
