The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
