My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
