I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
