Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
