her vagine was all disorganized.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
