What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
