found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
