I'm laying in your front yard are you home
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
