So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
