I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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