i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
