We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
