please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
