oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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